there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
