dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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