Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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