You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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