I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
