the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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