You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
