you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
