I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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