Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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