I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
