I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
