Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
