I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
