i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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