Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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