Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
