Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
