god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
