what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
