Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
pop tarts are not kleenex
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
