you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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