I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
