$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
