real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
