You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
