I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
