I could make wine with my vomit
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Help. Why am I so naked?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
