OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
