I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
