I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
