As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
