I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
