Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
