Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
