her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
