she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
