My first STD was from a foam party
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
