Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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