News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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