Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
