omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
