Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
