he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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