is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
