I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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