he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
