I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
