ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
