Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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